4 kinds of bosses… from HELL!!

4 kinds of bosses..Who does’nt want to be one’s own boss? Waking up when the ‘sun don’t shine’, driving a Bentley, being a playa in short. But let’s face it guys, inspite of all our illusions of self-grandeur ala Bruce Banner, most of us-sans the mythical few with the proverbial silver spoon and the fingers in the pie *ooh pie..yummyy*-we are the Peter Parkers of superheroes, minus the cool costume and spidey senses…and the hot girl. The only thing we share with Spiderman are ‘pain-in-the-neck’ (hehe what did YOU think I was going to say?! aaah gotcha! This is a family friendly site, we don’t use that word here people…mostly) bosses.

But we don’t mind showing it… so long as it’s dressed for polite company.

So, without further ado, here are the top 4 worst superiors who make Micheal Scott from ‘The Office’ look like Santa..high..Think the fellas in ‘Horrible Bosses’ had it rough? Wait till you get to spend a day with these bad boys…

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# 4 – Acronym Boss

This one, as is the case with almost all head honchos on the list, has a bloated ego so large that he no longer has any use for the language of us mere mortals. Instead, to stamp his superiority, he comes up with acronyms..for everything. If he tells you to ‘K.I.S.S’ before a presentation, don’t put on that lip gloss and pucker up just yet, because that is his/her way of telling you to ‘keep it simple’. Still don’t know the reason why your boss was all smiles and kept pumping the bejesus out of your hand while saying ‘SHAJH’? Relax, he was trying to be one of the guys, and yet letting you know that there are more than one way of saying ‘TGIF’…(incase you’re still scratching your head, that’s ‘shukar hai aaj juma hai’..i kid you not!)

How’s that for an acronym you over paid asshole?

I know this does not sound that bad. Who would mind a boss who is constantly expanding their mind with the latest acronyms? Right? Think again, how many 4P’s, 7C’s and 32G’s can one human memorize? Ok so I made the last one up, but you get my drift. If your monthly performance report is in the hand of ‘Johnny Mnemonic’ here, then God help you, its time to start making ‘bootis’ again or you’re going down. Because one thing that never fails to piss the boss off is a subordinate who does not remember their ‘brainy’ acronyms..thats just insubordination, OWTH!! That’s Off with their heads in acro-lingo!

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# 3 – Mirror mirror on the wall Boss

Aah the fairy tale boss. No, he doesn’t make you live in a shoe or cast any spells. But there is a similarity with the vain character in almost all of the fairy tales (see what I did there? I just made all of you pretty, vulnerable princesses, not that that’s a bad thing, right?). This type of boss believes that you are his personal ‘mirror mirror on the wall’ ala Snow White. And you get where this is going. Your day does not begin until you have paid homage to the Great One. And typically that translates to spending hour upon excruciating hour in their office listening to how smart Bunty is and what a darling Pinky is. Or how they spent last weekend at home, playing Ludo. You keep telling yourself that you’re the bigger man, by keeping that fake smile and platitudes coming. But deep down, you start loathing yourself for not driving that stapler in your boss’s mouth and stomping out.

Wait, it gets worse.

Almost as bad as that meatball who cut you off in traffic today.

You just got through the morning-worship phase and are about to finally relax in your cubicle when you hear that irritatingly hypnotic bell that emanates from the ‘Temple of Doom’. Yup, I’m afraid, not only is your sun not supposed to rise without presenting yourself infront of His Highness and praising him to high heaven, it does not set without bowing before him as well.

So in other words, you better have one of those watches that stop time so that you could use it to finish up on your work that has been assigned you. Or you need to have a very very understanding better half who does not mind you pouring over work during quality family time (yeah right, dream on). But come hell or highwater, there is no way that you can tell your boss that all these lengthy and frequent visitations are affecting your work. For according to him, he is doing you a favor, in all fairness he should be charging you for dispensing with all his pearls of wisdoms that he showers upon you all day.

So, your only hope? The boss gets a new mirror or a bad case of OCD where he cannot tolerate your presence, but until then, all hail the King!

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# 2 – Peter Pan Boss

This one is an absolute nightmare if you are one of those lazy, easy going types. The Peter Pan boss just never grows up. He might have just had his third hip replacement done a week ago, but that cannot stop Mr. Incredible from hiking up ‘Trail 3’ the same evening. He has all those inspirational; Nike-just do it-mumbo jumbo on his walls and in every conference meeting and pep talk. He may be turning fifty, but he says, ‘its not the years, it’s the mileage’. For all those of you who weren’t born yet, that was a line from Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark, and that tells you all you need to know about this type of boss.

And what does any adventure/fitness freak crave? A sidekick or an accomplice, if your self esteem still cringes at the mention of being second fiddle to somebody. And what could be better than an office employee? After all, how is it even possible that he would not be absolutely thrilled at the opportunity of sharing your zest (yep they still use that word) for sports and adventure?

… just sayin’ it’s a possibility.

So get off that chair, couch potato, because you’re about to go back to Neverland, and this time it has jogging tracks, dumbbells and steep climbs. It’s time to get your skimpy gym shorts and Service cheetah shoes out of the attic because its eye of the tiger baby, whatever that means. And forget that office cup of tea, from now on; your drink of choice is Gatorade.

Your only chance of survival you ask? A sprained ankle, limb, arm, whatever, even broken would do, just as long as you get to be substituted from the Dream Team.

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# 1 – Energizer Bunny Boss

Ok this one is a giveaway; you know what you are getting into. The Energizer Bunny boss just cannot stop working. It is as simple as that. There is no getting around it. If something can be done in a week, it HAS to be done today. If something needs to be done today, it should be done right now, and if something needs to be done right now, well, what are you still standing there for? You remember compliments? Yeah they are nice, well working with this one, the only compliments your going to get are going to be from your family, for finally fixing that broken window, or taking your parents or significant other for that shopping trip. But hold on, what family life? You do know what the great Qauid said, don’t you?

‘Kaam, kaam aur buss kaam’

Now you know what those sweat shop bonded labor kids felt like don’t you?

I’d sweat for a boss like that… no questions asked.

Your chances of survival with this one are sketchy at best. There is very little, if any data on survivors. Your only chance is to switch over to workaholic-R-us camp or make your boss switch over. Now before you bring out the Rooh Afza, know this; you are venturing into unchartered territory. And you better be bring you’re a game or its time to look in the classifieds.

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In a crux then, we live in a rapidly evolving world, and just as science and technology has pushed the boundaries of human intellect far beyond our wildest imaginations, it has also given birth to that rare breed of individuals whose very mention brings chills down ones spine and that sinking feeling of despair; bosses. The bad news is that this list is by no means exhaustive, it is infact just the tip of the iceberg that sank that ship just when they were singing that unbelievable hypnotically awful song. The good news is that maybe, just maybe, you might one day be on that list, IF you can keep your sanity. Until then, do whatever it is you have to do, rote learn the acronyms, use earplug for that vain boss, do your ‘buns of steel’ exercise to keep up with the freak or inject Red bull in your blood, but survive! Because, tomorrow is another day.

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2 thoughts on “4 kinds of bosses… from HELL!!

  1. Pingback: My weekend bender and why i don’t like South Asian writers « monty bandial's two cents …

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