I hate Murphy!
That guy has ruined my life.
(Not you man, the other one)
He just HAD to come up with the damn law, didn’t he? It’s just one of those things, where as long as you don’t think about it, it won’t happen. But since, you know what this douche bag had to say about things going bad, you just know that with your luck you’re going to make Murphy proud.
Ever had one of those days where you’ve wondered; 10 million sperms and I’m the one who had to make it?
(Yeah, that makes more sense.)
I know I know, If life gives you lemons, you’re supposed to make lemonade..or if youre lady gaga you make a dress.
But the thing is, some of us have not yet reached that level of gaga-ness..just yet, we may very well be on the way though.
But anyway, you gotta love us , we sure know how to mess things up. In fact, I think the Murphy Law does’nt quite do justice to the plethora of everyday opportunities that we seem to invent each time we step foot in the outside world. So here, in no particular order are some of the corollaries that I thought made the cut to Murphy’s Law..
SAHIR LODHI LAW
So you just bought a new pair of shoes. As it so happens, its Friday and you take your latest pride and joy to the masjid for the Juma prayers. That’s a blatant disregard for the Sahir Lodhi Law. When you return, you find a tattered, stinky cheap imitation version of what could be described your shoes by a hallucinating schizo in the place where your shoes had been. I’m afraid you’ve just been SL’ed my friend. Now for the rest of your life, as you are made the butt of every joke, you will continue to insist that you’re original and all other new shoes are infact copying you, but its no use.
THE KAMRAN KHAN LAW
It’s the dreaded Monday morning. The first day of another boring week where you will have to wake up at the crack of dawn, sit in your chicken coop sized cubicle all day and listen to your colleagues brainless rant about the latest pair of bugs bunny teeth Bubbloo has sprouted. As you take it all in, your hand inches instinctively for the revolver under your pillow.
Its not as bad as it seems, what you are experiencing are text book KAMRAN KHAN symptoms of hopelessness, despondency and despair. Its all a perception. The trick is to just grit your teeth and mow through those suicidal feelings that KKL induces. And you’ll realize that the world is not that bad place a live.
THE SALEEM SAFI LAW
Ever gone to a meeting all fresh and alert, but as soon as you start listening to the speaker your eye lids begin to weigh a ton each and your head keeps dropping involuntarily? Hmmmm, don’t’t feel bad about it, it’s the Saleem Safi Law, which states that at a certain frequency and pitch, the voice of only a select few will unleash soporific powers (oh yeah, I reached S in the GRE word list!) upon the unsuspecting masses. Self inflicted pinching or face slapping just does not work. Just run! Run forrest run!
THE MAYA KHAN LAW
You have for some personal reason been unable to fast. But so as not to hurt the feelings of others, you try to find a secluded and isolated spot to eat. The Maya Khan Law postulates that such a place infact simply fails to exist. You might as well lock yourself in a trunk and throw the keys away, but somebody, the Maya Khan variable, will manage to find you and embarrass the living crap out of you for no obvious reason except to be a pain in the ass.
THE MEERA LAW
Aaahhh..the Meera Law, an all time classic. Although its effects are not fatal but its like the common cold, you’re bound to have it more than once in your lifetime. Imagine being in the company of some of your ‘faaren’ friends. Now the Meera Law states that as long as you have a relative, preferably an uncle or aunt of the easily-impressed with all things ‘gora’ type, they will attempt to rape English like there is no tomorrow. And, feel good about it afterwards. There are many medicines in the market for this, like pretending your not with them, or making the cuckoo sign when your source of embarrassment is not looking. But none of them really works because the malady keeps evolving under newer names. Some of the other equally devastating but lesser known ones are the Nirma virus, Veena virus. But they all bow down to the one and only Meera Law. No matter how much you run, ‘it will be the back’.
THE WAQAR ZAKA LAW
Every family has one cousin/uncle who clearly had lost his marbles quite a while back but we just don’t have the heart to tell him that he’s not all there anymore. This one is in memory of that lovable/psycho whack job who pushed his fingers in one power socket too many. The Waqar Zaka Law postulates that if life dealt you with a limited brain or brawn, flaunt it like there is no tomorrow. Sooner or later, everyone around will start to believe that what they thought were just straws holding a melon head on top is actually a person.
And last but in no fucking way the least..we have the ultimate feel good law…
THE ZAID HAMID LAW
This law encourages you to spit in the face of defeat, for eventually you will win. Its written, its destiny, its bullshit. And liable to get you a wedgie, just don’t take it too seriously. If after any Pak-India cricket match that we have lost, you still see people smiling and feeling good. Spare thought for those poor souls, they are suffereing from the Zaid Hamid Law. They need to be kept away from anything that is red or resembles a military beret.
Trust me on the beret. Its magneto’s helmet. You’ve been warned. It can even change to a cat if its off the head.